


An Ancient Breed of Exhibition: Coming Soon to a Museum Near You

by PuggleFiclets (Pugglemuggle)



Series: Merlin One-Shot Collection - Summer Pornathon [2]
Category: Merlin (TV)
Genre: Anal Fingering, Anal Sex, British Museum, Butt Plugs, Dildos, F/F, Humor, M/M, Medieval Sex Toys, Museums, Sex Toys, Summer Pornathon 2015, honestly this fic is just really hard to explain, how the hell do i even tag this, tour guides
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-01-16
Updated: 2016-01-16
Packaged: 2018-05-14 02:29:54
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 769
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/5726422
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Pugglemuggle/pseuds/PuggleFiclets
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>“Hello! Welcome to the Trinity Museum of Arthurian History! Oh, um.... No.... That's, uh, definitely not a dildo...."</p><p>(Or, their sex toys have ended up in a museum, and now a poor tour guide has to pretend like these artifacts aren't exactly what they look like.)</p>
            </blockquote>





	An Ancient Breed of Exhibition: Coming Soon to a Museum Near You

**Author's Note:**

> This piece was originally written for Round Two of the [Merlin Summer Pornathon of 2015](http://summerpornathon.livejournal.com/) and won first place in its section. The prompt was "Magic of Three". The other works from this round can be found [here](http://archiveofourown.org/works/4523688?view_full_work=true).

“Hello! Welcome to the Trinity Museum of Arthurian History! I’m Em, and I’ll be your tour guide today.

“This tour will take us through some of the most well-preserved artifacts of the Arthurian era. Our collection is a result of half a century’s worth of excavation at several locations throughout South Wales—

“Oh, sorry, do you have a question...? Yes, you in the back.... What was that? Medieval… What? Medieval _sex toys_ —Oh, bloody hell, no. No, um, Arthurian erotic tools are not in this museum at the present time. You can’t believe everything you read on the internet, I’m afraid.

“Okay, any more questions? No? Alright, let’s get started....”

⛉⚜⛉

“This here is one of the crown jewels of our collection. As you can see, this small, ornate clay oil pot is decorated with several elongated spears, and—

“ _No_ , they are _not_ penises, they are _spears_! Those are the spearheads at the top there, and those, uh, round shapes at the bottom.... Well, I can see how you might interpret it that way, but those are _hands_ , see? Two hands holding each spear, at the bottom.”

⛉⚜⛉

_The oil pot had spent most of its days hidden in a drawer on a bedside table. It had been given to the king as a gift from the dark-haired one with light in his eyes and magic in his fingertips._

_The pot had known the touch of many fingers—gentle fingers, searching for the oil in slow, careful movements; passionate fingers, flung outward with such neediness that they nearly knocked the pot off the nightstand; desperate, fearful fingers, blind and burning and trembling like leaves as they tried to push back tomorrow a little further, to give themselves a little more time, to delay the inevitable._

⛉⚜⛉

“Our next piece is one of my personal favorites. Experts speculate that this 3-inch-long wooden piece worked similarly to the modern saddle horn, which protrudes at the front of the Western saddle. As you can see, it is decorated with a series of jousting knights—

“Um, no. I’m fairly certain that this piece was never used for anything, uh, scandalous. Though the shape is rather different from the modern-day saddle horn....”

⛉⚜⛉

_It had always been kept in secret places—the bottom of the saddle bag, the coat pocket, the satchel. It was made to be mounted on a saddle, but a couple of the knights had better ideas. They liked to put the saddle horn in another secret place._

_They’d keep it in for hours sometimes. It was always the same two—the large, brawny one and the roguish brunette. They would lock eyes across the campfire, and one would shift uncomfortably, and the other one would respond with a heavy-lidded look, and they’d excuse themselves to yank the saddle-piece out and replace it with something decidedly more human. Oak could never replace flesh—not for long, anyway._

⛉⚜⛉

“Finally, this here is the most famous object in our possession. There’s a lot of debate about what this tool was for. Some speculate that it was a long stone pestle for an apothecary, while others insist that its elongated shape and the slight flare at the end made it ideal for styling hair.

“What was that? ...Oh, well, yes. That is another, uh, interpretation....”

⛉⚜⛉

_When night had fallen and the sun’s light had scattered into a million stars, the women touched and kissed and sighed and loved each other in the most intimate of ways, and although they adored one another’s fingers and tongues, the stone piece was consistently a favorite._

_Sometimes, the pale one would hold the stone while her lover writhed, trembled, gasped, whimpered, cried out at the perfection of it, at the skill of her lady’s wrist. Sometimes they’d trade, and the handmaid would be pulling the noises from her lover’s lips with sweet, delicate movements, so tender that they brought tears. Every fervent touch tightened the air. Every kiss made it glow._

⛉⚜⛉

“Thank you all for joining us, and I hope you all enjoyed the tour! The gift shop is on your left. Have a wonderful day!”

After everyone else had gone, one man remained. Em sighed.

“Really, Arthur? Did you have to ask those particular questions?” he chided, crossing his arms.

Arthur shrugged, but he was grinning, too, the prat. “What? I knew the truth—I was _there_ , for Christ’s sake. I couldn’t let you deceive all the nice visitors, could I?”

“A little discretion couldn’t hurt. This is the second time this _week._ ”

“You’re showing people sex toys for money,” Arthur replied. “I should think we’ve thrown discretion out the window.


End file.
